Stacks Image 390
The Submariner

In the beginning there was the word and the word was God. All else was darkness and void and without form. So God created the Heavens and the Earth. He created the Sun and the moon and the stars, so that light may pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea and He filled it with many assorted creatures. The dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the seashore, he called Marines and he dressed them accordingly. The flighty creatures of the air, he called Airy Fairies, and these he clothed in uniforms which were ruffled, foul and stinking. He gave them great floating cities with flat roofs in which to live, where they gathered and formed huge multitudes. They carried out heathen rites and ceremonies by day and by night upon the roof amidst thunderous noise. They were given God's blue sky and their existence was on the backs of others. The lowest creatures of the sea God called the General Service and with a twinkle in his eye, and with a sense of humour only he could have, God gave them big grey steel targets to go to sea on. He also gave them many splendid uniforms to wear. He gave them wonderful and exotic places to visit. He gave them pen and paper so that they might write home every week. He also gave them a shiny laundry that they may keep all their splendid uniforms clean. (When you’re God you tend to get carried away at times.) On the seventh day as we know God rested, and on the eighth day at 07.00 Zulu, God looked down upon the earth and God was not a happy God. He realised something vital was missing. So he thought about his labours and with his infinite wisdom, God decided to create a divine creature, and this divine creature he called a Submariner. Now these Submariners, whom god created in his own likeness, were to be of the deep, and so he gave them a white wooly pully to keep them warm. He gave them sleek, black, steel messengers of death to roam the depths of the oceans waging war on the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them hotels to welcome them when they became weary of doing God’s will. He gave them subsistence so that they may entertain the ladies on nights ashore and impress the hell out of the creatures called the General Service. At the end of the eighth day God looked down upon the earth and saw that all was well. But still God was not happy, because, in the course of his labours He had forgotten one thing. He had not given himself a Submariners white wooly pully. He thought long and hard and finally satisfied his mind that not just anybody can be a Submariner.